Business Meeting – Coffee with a Colleague once mobile tykes are safely checked into Montessori.

Colleague – fellow mothers of previous mentioned tykes, easily identified as sleep deprived zombies commonly without make-up, often covered in bodily fluids and fond of frequently raising their blouses to nourish their young. Usual habits and known habitats to follow.

Ben – second offspring of Betty, baby – gummy smiles, ferocious appetite and King of Cat naps.

Cat Naps – sleeps of no more that 2-3 hours post feeding. repeated throughout the day. unlike classic definition enjoyed worldwide by the human race. And cats.

Cheat Days – days devoted to relief from Carb Control / extermination.

Peak Time – AM 05:45 till Betty’s first Coffee, PM 16:00 till first hour into asleep phase of offsprings’ bedtimes. Activities including but not limited to making breakfast/ packed lunches or dinner, aiding dressing/brushing of teeth, intermittent breastfeeding, occasionally tidying up and eventual termination in exit of one or more parties to work/school (AM) or bed (PM).

Babycakes – embodiment of all things Husband , breadwinner, father of Betty’s offspring.

Green Goo – detailed above.

Bobby – first offspring of Betty, Toddler – mischief maker, prone to tantrums, food refusal and frequents your local potty. Oh, and the best cuddles in town!

Aunt S – My go-to-Guru. She is the mother I always wish I had.

Field Trip – Getting out of the house. Fast. before I go insane. Indoor play centres with good coffee carts a must, interspersed with guilt-induced visits to the library, museums and playgrounds (coffee in hand).

The Diet Diatribe – the moments immediately following the morning pilgrimage to, and on the weighing scales. Characterised by fleeting moments of shame and immense disappointment. Often accompanied by swift resolves to monitor every morsel, deeply contemplate every mouthful, but mainly adhere strictly to The Diet. Ultimately, culminates in a forage for something sweet… to numb the pain.

The Life – The House, The Husband, The Kids. Oh and The Saggy Boobs, The Wrinkly Stretch-Marky Tummy, The Sleep Deprivation and The Fledgling Career . Not forgetting the Love, The small cold feet in your bed at 05:00am and the sense of fulfilment.

Transitional Jeans – The halfway mark. Pre-pregnancy you would have considered them your Fat Jeans. Now, they are a badge of achievement. Who knows, maybe you’ll get that body back? No? Well, a girl can dream.

Austerity – Post-DINK (dual income no kids) phase of life, in which college funds, life insurance policies, top level health insurance, real savings and first home deposit savings take over where Louis Vuitton, Jimmy Choo and Kate Spade left off. Snore. A sad place. Imagine a world where Champers only come out for Christmas, significant birthdays and christenings? Don’t shudder. I have to live that life, you know.

Our Leader – Pamela Druckermann. Author of French Children Don’t Throw Food.

Sage – French for good behaviour. It’s a good one. Encapsulates the beauty of it.

The Biscuit – aka the shiznik… perfection. The Perfection.

The Big Move – Recent relocation to The New Digs. Betty and Babycakes were insane to undertake this alone without the appropriate professionals. I suppose by the time you have an X-month old strapped in a harness to your chest, heaving a 3 seater-couch out of a rental van at 01:23am you’re already fully committed. Did I mention we did this at 01:23am? Yeah, re-enacting a silent film, trying not to be “those neighbours” – we were well aware that we would have to live beside these people for at least a year.

“Bring”– Socially accepted unspoken rule to bring when told not to bring a thing.

The Touch – a rarely bestowed upon gift, given to those that do not as yet possess their own offspring, remaining dormant until they are child-adjacent at which point the Little ones become aware that a “Whisperer” is among them.

The Bounds – Rules of etiquette required to be followed by new partners in order to respect the permanent role of the bearer of their partner’s offspring. Essential for The Life.

The Journey – The carrying, birthing, nursing and raising of one’s offspring. In other words, becoming a mother and all it encompasses – the physical, emotional, spiritual and mental challenges.

The Guilt – Every good mother feels it. The feeling that one is not a good mother. Felt and rarely spoken of.

The Mother-Earth-Goddess – How are you? “ I’m fine. Everything is fine. Hunny is fine. Darlings are fine”. Big smile under even bigger dark sunnies, just above baby-sick encrusted partially-washed-thrown on T-shirt. The lie we all live by.

Daddykins – Betty’s Father.

New Squeeze – Daddykins new partner.

Conference – Playdates involving more than one other mommy (not including yourself). Can be chaotic. Often avoided due to interrupted coffee/tea drinking for “Peace Talks” or conflict management. it’s all fun and games until someone inevitably gets bashed on the head with a fire truck.

Golden Hour – The magical moment BOTH Bobby and Ben spontaneously, simultaneously go to bed!

Joint Family Venture – Kind of like a play date. But families “play” together. Really, the moms and kids probably already do. It’s just a veiled attempt for us wives to watch our spouses suss each other out.

Early Bird Dinner – Not what you think. Reserve that thought for my musings while I sit in God’s waiting room, *Please God (and sign of the cross), in another 100 years from now. No, it’s when families hang out with each other at home. The kids get served first and tidied away into a play area plus or minus a cheeky DVD playing. Parents will wine, dine and discuss. This wraps up around the neat hour of a 20:00 bedtime.

A the new V.

Baby Sprinkle – Admittedly, it’s not your first rodeo. But after all the hard work you’ve put in, the least the nearest and dearest can do is let you put your feet up, feed you a bit of cake.

Sexercise – The Romans did it and Henry VIII perfected it. Don’t b coy, you know how your babies got here.

Business Trip – The great family vaycay… Fun for kids, stress all round for SAHM – packing,planning and if your hunny works as much as mine, you are probably the travel agent and chief welfare officer as well as tour guide, chief sunscreen applicator, Chauffeur and Bedtime Sergeant… Just make sure you make time for a cocktail or two.

Outsourcing – When a SAHM hands over the reins. Othrwise known as deligating. To paid Professionals.

Concrete Princess – We live in a bubble where we go from home to car to office. Holidays are usually resort style. Camping is Glamping. The flora and fauna consist of the Algae in our seaweed wraps. I am very unapologetic for this. Yes I am living a little, see previous line about algae.

Dummy Spit – Downloading/offloading/throwing a wobbly with your trusted com-padre. Warranted or not, silly or not, we all need to do it. Vent sesh.

Our Place – the equivalent of Central Perk to myself and HIH. And yes, we have our own reserved seating.

Leading Lady – strong, confident, secure, honest but within the bounds of etiquette and diplomacy. Not afraid to be kind to her fellow woman; a builder-upper, not a knocker-downer. But most of all attracts and is most comfortable in the presence of other Leading Ladies. Because a true Leading Lady in a room full of Leading Ladies will shine no matter what. Short, tall, fat or small, be you, be fabulous!

Supporting Actress – See long winded explanation. Avoid

Handbags – Posh mummies from Bobby’s school. have you heard of this cute little designer called LV? yeah.


Lipstick Mafia – other Bettys in Betty’s Life

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